HOW TO POOP AT WORK

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in

our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much as we

try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those

who hate pooping at work, following is the 2001 Survival Guide for taking a

dump at work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a

pure pleasure.

ESCAPEE.

Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or

forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of

panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when

passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do

not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to

the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an

escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing

makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE).

Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun

pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this

should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left

the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH.

Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of

the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed

location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the

bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME.

Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you

have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if

someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend

that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER.

Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You will

often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper

or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of

The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN).

Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency

pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the

whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS.

Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can

least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite

sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR:

Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and

tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and

vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this

 occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you

will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH.

Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom

that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to

alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction

with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE.

Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars

that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall

is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the

pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON.

Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet

water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on,

create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET.

Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in

The toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough

with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED.

Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could

spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An

Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should

always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits

you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

FLY BY.

Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and

check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and

come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may

become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.