My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned ... couldn't concentrate. 

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so ...they gave me the ax. 

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. Mainly because ...it was a so-so job. 

Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that ...was exhausting. 

I wanted to be a barber, but ...I just couldn't cut it. It was a hair raising experience. 

Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just ...didn't have the thyme. 

I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I...couldn't cut the mustard. 

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found ...I wasn't noteworthy. 

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I...didn't have any patients. 

Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I ...just didn't fit in. 

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I ...couldn't live on my net income. 

Thought about becoming a witch, so I ...tried that for a spell. 

I managed to get a good job working for a pool-maintenance company, but the work was ...just too draining. 

I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes, but I was fired because I ...wasn't up to it. 

So then I got a job in a fitness-center, but they said I ...wasn't fit for the job. 

Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking and I ...was discharged. 

After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was ...no future in it . 

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it ...was always the same old grind.

Last of all, I worked for the telephone company ... but I had too many hangups and just couldn’t make the connectiion.

This is why I am a PROFESSIONAL BUM. 

	Here is a self portrait that I drew myself by looking in the mirror.

Dick Vernon, PHD (Possess Highschool Diploma)

 Box 48 Herman PA 16039 

  I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently.

  Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.  I make  women swoon with my sensuous steel guitar playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes.  I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

  Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants.  I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Pittsbugh Pirates, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, I repair computerized aircraft panels free of charge.

  I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy ties.  I don't perspire.  I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail.  I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400.

  My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children and small pets trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy.  I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations with the CIA.

  I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of gangsters who had seized a small bakery. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On week- ends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down.  I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I have given Rachel Ray and Emirile cooking lessons.

  I breed prize-winning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I  have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis many times when I taught him how to play guitar..

  But I have not yet gone to college.

JUST KIDDING